DragonFlies and Cocktails

2011-10-14T18:24:00.002-04:00

Just a point of comparison here.

The original:

The more recent song that samples the original:

The song that realizes it's trendy and imitates the remix:

Still, though, I do quite enjoy Gloria Estefan's new album. I bought it and I usually don't buy things unless I really want it. Jus' sayin'.

Why must we drive?

2011-06-30T15:35:00.003-04:00

Today's horoscope:

Everyone sees you as a person who's ready for anything, which is a wonderful reputation to have. But deep down, do you fear that you may someday come across something that intimidates and paralyses you? Today you may feel like you've met your match, but all you need to do is take a deep breath, roll up your sleeves and dive right in! It's known as the 'fake it until you make it' maneuver -- and it's a darn good way to introduce new things into your life (and boost your confidence).

Damn, I hate care repairs. Seriously, hate care repairs. I mean, I've been sitting here at the dealership since 8:30 in the morning and the repairs won't be done for another few hours. It costs money that I don't have and extends a much larger amount of patience than I'd like to engage in. Jus' sayin'. I wish California had a much more reliable form of public transportation. Le sigh.

Laura Jansen - Wicked World

2011-06-28T16:52:00.001-04:00

Creative People

2011-06-02T13:27:00.000-04:00

"Common sense means living in the world as it is today; but creative people are people who don't want the world as it is today but want to make another world." -- Abraham Maslow

Honda "How much hipster can you pack in a Jazz?" video

2011-05-18T23:53:00.001-04:00

"Look at that fucking hipster."

The World Wants You Up at 6am.

2011-05-14T00:27:00.004-04:00

I think I've been fighting my own nature just a bit. I've been trying very hard to get up early in order to finish work and the like, but I only seem to want to work when it gets dark. Right around 9 o'clock, I start settling down at the desk with an urge to sip coffee and write. Perhaps I should embrace this rather than fight it? Perhaps my difficulty working this semester is closely related to being forced to teach at 9am? Next semester ain't better, though. I'm scheduled to teach at 8am. I could, at least, give myself a schedule where I won't be getting out of class at 10pm, right? Fingers crossed.

A-Learnin' and A-Growin'

2011-04-30T14:49:00.001-04:00

Horoscope for today:

The fastest way to learn something new about yourself is by exploring something that is unknown to you. This could be something universally intimidating, like skydiving, but it could also be something that is harmless to many but still a big question mark to you. It can be difficult to accept the fact that you could try something and not succeed at it right away. Check your ego at the door and dive into learning something new about your capabilities.

Exploration time? But-but-but. . . I like doing it right the first time. Failure makes me feel bad.

An Admission of Guilt:

2011-04-30T02:33:00.002-04:00

I watched the highlights of the royal wedding. And you know what? It was cute, dammit! Prince William looked all I-wanna-smile-but-that-would-be-unkingly and Kate was all hey-I'm-getting-married wide-eyed. Soooo, adorable!

There. I said it.

Lately, It's been like This.

2011-04-26T00:19:00.004-04:00

I've been having a lot of trouble working this semester. Last semester was a whirlwind--the classes were very demanding and required a lot of time and attention, so I was constantly working. This semester is different, though, which should be a good thing. The class assignments haven't been as continually unrelenting, but that's also left me the time to procrastinate from the assignments that I should be doing. Like, grade A procrastination.

Example: a 10 page paper and presentation were assigned at the beginning of the semester. When do I decide to sit down and work on this presentation? Why, the day before of course! Is there a more opportune time? I think not.

Of course, my crippling ability to avoid my work may also be completely linked to the disarray of my current emotional state. That is, seven of my relatives died last year. In seven months. One of which died on my fucking birthday. I didn't cry as much as you would think I should have. I don't even know how much I cried at all--a few tears here and there, you know, but not like I used to grieve. Not the balling and all that. It makes me wonder if a person just isn't capable of mourning that many people in that amount of time. It makes me wonder if I'm still trying to deal with it all. Particularly, because of recent events.

In the past few weeks, my aunt has had double bypass surgery (she's doing well), my step-grandfather died (I did ball), and my brother had a gun pulled on him (still alive and I majorly balled). Also, I liked this friend. This friend would do things like inquire whether I was free during the week, talk about teaching me how to surf, or ask about studying together. I took these as good signs that he might feel the same way, right? That's not crazy, right? Then I meet up with this friend today at a cafe to work on said paper/presentation and he tells me that he's "met the woman [he's] going to marry." Well, then. Thanks for that. Next time, don't flirt with me so fucking much. Damn him and his pretty face! Just allow me this moment: I'm pretty fucking cute, I'm pretty fucking smart, talented, funny, kind, a great baker, and super considerate of others' feelings, so why the hell can't I ever like someone who likes me back!? Ugh. *Exhale* Okay, moment over.

Oh, well. I'm giving up on him. We'll be buds--that's fine. I was seeing this other dude a few weeks ago who just got back into town and wants to hang out again. So, I'll do that. I don't know him very well, but he's got spunk, which I like. He's foreign (which is always hot), a tech-guy (which means we can geek speak), spiritual (thank God!), and an adoring uncle (can you say adorable?). Since he's foreign, he went home for a visit for a couple weeks and he got back in touch when he came back to town, so that shows some consideration. I like considerate people and I don't feel jerked around by him. That's nice. We're still getting to know one another, so I'm not rushing off into anything, but I appreciate the qualities that I've seen so far. What more can you ask at this point, right? Not to make this sound like a certain movie we've all heard about:

Melodramatic, no?

So, there's a lot on my mind. My concentration has been nonexistent. How in the world does one hold all these things in their mind, their heart at once? Answer me that.

Well, my goal is to get through the last couple weeks of the semester. Simple, you know? One thing at a time. What more can you do? And, I suppose that starts with finishing up my work that's due tomorrow. Well, then, off I go.

Angel Snow and Viktor Krauss

2011-04-22T23:07:00.001-04:00

"500 Miles" by Rosanne Cash

2011-04-10T13:40:00.001-04:00

Two Door Cinema Club - Something Good Can Work

2011-03-29T20:37:00.000-04:00

"Hey Na Na" Katie Herzig (Official Video)

2011-03-12T17:10:00.000-05:00

I know, I know. My posts have been non-existent, but grad school is insanely busy. My gift to you, though, is Katie Herzig's new video for her song "Hey Na Na." A fun little diddy, no doubt.

Kisses.

A Quickie:

2010-11-28T20:14:00.001-05:00

This is from Les Murray and his poem, "The Last Hellos:"

Snobs mind us off religion
nowadays, if they can.
Fuck them. I wish you God.

Dear Roomates

2010-10-31T19:15:00.003-04:00

Do you really have to have sex four fucking times on a Sunday? And on Halloween? I have a friend coming over in a few hours and I'd like to minimize the awkwardness of trying to give out candy to dressed up tiny tots while your mattress squeaks in rapid succession next to the front door (because your room has to be the one next to the front door).

Also, why must you constantly wait until the weekend to fight and then have make-up sex? I'm at school all the mother fucking time during the week. The weekend is the one time for me to chill (however slightly) and get some work done. Do you know what it's like to write poetry to constant yelling or love-making? It's makes for some weird fucking poems.

And lastly, Mr. Original-Roommate's-Boyfriend-Who-Is-Now-My-Roomate, get a fucking job! You're not in school and you've been living here for a month! For the love of all that is holy, get out of the house.

Sigh.

I've Never Been Good at Change

2010-09-03T21:14:00.005-04:00

I don't think I really realized what taking two years off of school would really mean. It's hard for me to gauge how long it takes to read or write something and I feel like I have absolutely no time for anything else even though I probably do and haven't figured that out yet.

I have a two page paper due on Wednesday. I mean, two pages, nothing at all, right? Yet, I can't seem to make myself write this stupid thing. Part of it is that I feel pressured to write a graduate level paper rather than just a paper. What if it's not good? What if they think I don't belong in grad school? What if I really am inept?

I like to plan. I like to prepare, but I don't feel prepared for all of this: taking three classes, working part-time, working on two journals with the possibility of a third. And the funny part is that I've done that before, so I'm not sure why it seems so much more daunting now. Maybe it's because I'm on my own out here? I have to make new friends, new contacts, figure out where I'm going--I have to start from scratch and maybe that's the hard part. It's hard to feel like you have a safety net out here.

There is facebook and I posted something about feeling overwhelmed and my brother told me to "man up," which I get on the one hand and on the other . . . I just get depressed because no one seems to get it. Look, I am thrilled to have this opportunity, I truly am. And I understand how wonderfully privileged I am to be able to do this. Trust me when I say that, but that doesn't mean that making an entirely new life is easy. I miss my friends and family. I miss the certainty of having someone to turn to.

Oh yeah, and my roommate's boyfriend is moving in next month. I'm crossing my fingers and praying that he is not a douche-bag (he's been living in another state and I've never met him). If he is, then I need to make it to at least December, because I need to pay the cheaper rent. Then, if I can afford it, maybe I can find a cheapish studio. Who knows, though? Maybe he's a great guy. Pray, send good vibes, whatever it is you do, let's collectively hope this turns out alright.

I mean, Holy Hell!

2010-09-03T00:20:00.004-04:00

The place that I live is actually on a nice residential street; however, my particular location is right next door to a business. This business has a little parking lot--a parking lot for which one of my neighbors likes to walk up and down at night and talk on his cell phone. My window also happens to face said parking lot, so I have the pleasure of hearing about how Justin is afraid to be alone and that's why he's still with this girl who "isn't fucking right for him."

Tonight, though, this little punk ass is whining to his friend because he thought his friend told him that he couldn't go snowboarding, when apparently, he said that he could go snowboarding. This dude is now his favorite person ever.

Look, I don't care what kind of conversations he's having, but what the fuck? He has a house that he could be sitting in and chatting with whoever, but he insists on adding crazy creepy factor by having his voice traveling forward and back outside my freakin' window. Imagine the dreams that come from that when you're lying in bed. Seriously.

Pesca or Veggies?

2010-08-22T20:12:00.003-04:00

Well, I'm kinda thinking about taking up this vegetarian or at least pescatarian thing. I still have chicken soup in my cabinet, so it'll be after that, but I'm thinking about it. I'd have to get one last gyro, though. Oh, gyros, how you make me weak.

Lobster Red

2010-08-18T23:23:00.003-04:00

Momentous day, y'all. I actually wore a bakini to the beach. Granted, I wore board shorts with that bakini, but it was a legit two piece with my belly showing and all. Said belly is extremely sunburnt now, but c'est la vie. Eh? I proud shout-out goes to the wonderful practice of Yoga. While you may not have transformed my body into that of a super-model's, you've raised my confidence enough to be proud of the body I'm in. Whoo!

Also, I heard The XX on the radio today. I'm not sure if that makes me happy or sad. Still, VCR is the best!

Sex Bob-Omb - Garbage Truck

2010-08-16T18:06:00.000-04:00

This little lo-fi piece is from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, which I recommend you see. I hear that it doesn't follow the comic book much, but I haven't read the comic book, so I still enjoyed it.

Neden (Jehan Barbur)

2010-08-11T00:16:00.000-04:00

What can I say? The Turks have got me.

SERDAR ORTAC SEYTAN

2010-08-10T23:22:00.000-04:00

I'm not usually big into pop music, but, apparently, when it's in Turkish, I find it alluring.

And the list goes on. . .

2010-07-22T01:16:00.002-04:00

I'm moved into my new house. The roommate is cool and sweet. The dog is a crazy, lovely boxer.

Missing my family and friends, but still happy to be here. Campus=gorgeous.

Another aunt in the hospital and not doing well.

The End of an Era

2010-07-12T17:37:00.001-04:00

My sick aunt has died. I will miss her sarcasm and spunk. I will miss her damn stubbornness.

Stay Away, Fool!

2010-07-03T12:53:00.001-04:00

July 3rd Horoscope:

Believe it or not, your unshakable feeling of dread seems to actually be getting better. This morning, you wake up feeling like it might actually be on its way out for good -- then some fool says or does something to make you worry. Don't give fools any power over you, your mood or your relationships with loved ones. You need to take charge.

Times, they are a-changin'. . .

2010-06-22T12:47:00.005-04:00

And so is the blog design. It just seemed like it was time, no? I decided on being lazy and chose this one from one of the templates, but maybe I'll get around to messing with the code and designing my own at some point. I can't guarantee anything, however.

I'm working on this one project right now that's pretty cool. It's for an academic journal and I've already given them several different design options, but I really hope that they pick the one that I like--don't we always hope that? I guess I just think that it'd look the cleanest and happiest.

There was another design I made which is really, really contemporary and modern, but my guess would be that that will only have a certain shelf life, so I'd opt for one that was contemporary, but not too forward thinking since this is an academic journal and they'll most likely hold onto the design longer than some other journals. It would be a super awesome thing if I got this reputation for designing academic journals. (There is a market there, because they usually don't want or can't use anything that's super advanced because of accessibility issues. Nor can they pay the prices that professional designers and coders charge, but it's good money for me! And fun money.) That would be a funny sentence, eh? "I'm a writer, but I feed myself by designing websites."

Oh, and my friends are awesome. Really. They've planned a get together to celebrate my moving to CA. I love them bunches and bunches! (And bunches and bunches and bunches and bunches . . .)

In honor of how absolutely awesome they are and how I'm going to miss them terribly, how about something trite-fully chipper? I give you Kyle Andrews, "You always make me smile."

The Prodigal Daughter Goes to Grad School

2010-05-28T00:18:00.005-04:00

Dearest blog. Lovely, neglected blog, call me the prodigal "son" for I have returned.

Let me tell you about life. Let me tell you how I spent a year without a job--how I was turned away from positions ranging from writer at a college president's office to a barista. I would've made a damn fine barista, but apparently the seventeen year old still in high school made a better argument (she lived by the shop and they could always find her). And then it was 2010 and glorious, fabulous things happened along with the tragic. I went to Australia and New Zealand. Two of my uncles died within two days of each other. I got a job (however temporary) that paid good money and I didn't hate. My cousin died. I was accepted to two grad programs! And another uncle died. Along with another cousin and one of my aunts is pretty sick. And some of my poems will be published in the near future by a cool lit art magazine. So, how do I take that? Like Dickens?

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.
~Tale of Two Cities, pg 1

But with the grad thing--I'm getting what I want, what I've worked so hard for, but it's two thousand miles away from home. I'm pretty freaked out. How am I supposed to spend three years in the sun? I know some people dream about that, but, let me tell you, I loved London. I loved the weather in London. Gray is a very natural, feeling color for me and now I'm supposed to adapt to being in the sun all day, every day for three years. Well, maybe I won't be quite so pasty white.

I dislike myself for feeling like this. I'm getting exactly what I want and, yet, I have this intense feeling like I just want to run away from it. Risk scares me. Change scares me. I've tried to talk about it with friends.

I say, "I'm petrified." One makes a Harry Potter joke.

I say, "I'm starting to panic." Another says "Why!? This is good!"

What I mean is, I don't make friends easily. Once, in high school, halfway through the year, another student turned around, looked at me, and said, "you're in this class?" At times, I am so easily forgettable. I can be so quiet, so afraid to connect, that I just don't. I shut down. Other times, I adopt this cocksure kind of identity just to get through the freakin' day. People like that. People like someone who introduces themselves by proclaiming that they're "awesome."

It takes me far too long to become comfortable in an environment. It'll be year 3 by the time I feel comfortable. I'm leaving all my friends--it's taken me years to assemble these people that I trust at all and now I've got to start over again. Yes, hopefully, they'll still be my friends, but when people move, they lose touch. The distance can seem vast and they're all busy people, so getting them to spend much time staying in contact is pretty much laughable. They're all moving before too long anyway, but still. . . I don't adapt well to change.

I miss my uncles. I miss my cousin (the other I didn't know very well). I'm sad for the inevitable death that will come for my aunt when she decides that she's tired of being stubborn and quits fighting. I feel an immense amount of guilt when I told my little cousins that I'd be moving and wouldn't be able to help with their homework or teach them tricks with a softball. They looked hurt. I would never intentionally hurt them. I miss being sure that what I was doing was the right thing or the right path. I don't know. I just know that I'm trying to do what makes me happy. I just don't want that happiness to come at the expense of others.

lily allen - never gonna happen (album version)

2010-03-22T20:42:00.001-04:00

Um, yeah. Been there, done that. Well, hopefully, in a much nicer way than she does.

Steel Magnolia - Keep On Lovin' You

2010-02-28T13:24:00.001-05:00

We Were Promised Jetpacks - Quiet Little Voices

2010-01-08T22:17:00.001-05:00

Fuck, yeah.

Brandi Carlile - The Story

2009-12-20T00:58:00.001-05:00

I guess this song was on Grey's Anatomy at some point, and I can hear why. Brandi Carlile is probably my new favorite artist.

Dala - Horses Official Video

2009-12-16T15:45:00.001-05:00

What a beautiful song.

The Gossip - "Heavy Cross"

2009-12-12T18:53:00.001-05:00

Um, Yes!

Fine Plucking

2009-12-09T14:24:00.001-05:00

I got my first (pair of?) tweezers today. Ah, womanhood.

Relationships and The XX

2009-12-02T22:07:00.002-05:00

You ever feel stuck in a rut? As if you're doing it to yourself in an obsessive manner? Yeah, well, that's kind of what my poetry is lately. Or is, in general. But, particularly, lately, it's been obsessively focused on the crumbling romantic relationship. It's not like I'm in a current relationship that I'm complaining about--or even a past one for that matter. I think what it comes down to is that I'm good at that genre of poetry. I can make you super excited about feeling so damn depressed. Heh.

However, I feel like I do need to stretch for something new. For myself if not for anyone else. I just don't know what to else to write about. I mean, people fascinate me and romantic relationships contain an instant tension that's relatively easy for me to manipulate.

I do have this one poem that I've been toying with that is from a father's perspective to his daughter. It's still damn depressing right now, but it is different content. Perhaps it's just time to move on? Or, maybe grow?

Anywho, while we're talking relationshipy stuff, I give you The XX:

Crystalised

VCR

Yasmin Levy and Ladino Music

2009-11-15T19:12:00.004-05:00

Friends, have you heard of Ladino music? No? Then I bring you Yasmin Levy:

Hallelujah:

Mi Korason:

Phoenix - 1901

2009-10-25T14:27:00.002-04:00

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

The Little Miss

2009-10-17T01:15:00.005-04:00

My dog has died. Or, rather, I put her to sleep after she got to the point that she was in so much pain that she didn't want to eat, go out, or move about the house. Have you ever seen an animal on a crazy amount of pain killers still in pain? It sucks.

I think I'm coping, but, at the same time, this was my baby. She was my girl. The small things mess you up too. I passed by her water dish the other day and as I started to reach for it and fill it up, I realized: Oh yeah, there's no need.

I miss her. I hope that I did the right thing, but to be completely honest, there's this nagging thought in the back of my mind that I'm going to die, get to the gates of heaven, and have someone say I can't come in, because I killed my own dog. Is that crazy? Is it absurd? Or perhaps a completely valid fear?

I just wanted the best for her. I didn't want her to be in needless pain. Let's hope the saying is right: all dogs go to heaven. Shit, even if all dogs don't go to heaven, she certainly would've been a shoe in. That girl was the best dog anyone could hope for and I am heart-broken over losing her.

"My Darling?" Tales Of Mere Existence

2009-10-10T21:46:00.001-04:00

Am I that girl?

The Big Pink - Dominos (Official Video)

2009-09-25T19:44:00.002-04:00

So, life is a mixed bag as of late. My dog is dying and I'm heart broken. I have a job interview next week (didn't get one job that I interviewed for and wanted a lot) and the class I signed up for started. This particular week and the next are rather busy, but I believe taking that class will be a great thing in a few weeks. If only it gets me to think about something other than my dog.

In any event, I do find joy in this song. It's catchy.

Donora- I Think I Like You

2009-09-10T19:50:00.002-04:00

New video from Donora for their song, "I Think I Like You."

[Insert Sarcastic "Fantastic" Here]

2009-08-28T14:13:00.000-04:00

August 28, 2009

One of your coworkers or friends -- both of whom you, of course, think of as members of your extended family -- is probably going to be wandering around in a bit of a fog now. You won't be able to resist asking what's wrong, and since you are who you are, you're probably one of the few people they'll actually confide in. Do what you can, but don't forget about your real family, especially if they're waiting for you.

Natalie Raps

2009-08-17T21:08:00.001-04:00

Ah! So, hilarious. . .

RollerCoasters 'n Such

2009-08-01T14:12:00.003-04:00

Going to Cedar Point tomorrow. Whoo! Can't wait. Though, I need to figure out what to wear. Hmm.

Shh

2009-07-30T23:35:00.002-04:00

These days, I think I might be keeping myself from sleeping. I like the night and its warmth. I like the quiet intimacy of hearing just the tap, tap, tap of the keyboard. While everyone goes to their most peaceful of slumbers, I finally can work on something. I can finally hear myself think.

Ecoute, mon cherie. Le monde est beau--même dans le noir.

Alexi Murdoch - Love You More

2009-07-30T01:22:00.002-04:00

Ultra mellow and lovely dovey, but I find it sweet. Just call me a sentimental creature.

been watching too much Amelie

2009-07-29T22:40:00.002-04:00

I'd like to travel with a gnome.

Abitudine - Subsonica - 2005

2009-07-28T01:24:00.002-04:00

Have I already posted this? I like the music. . . the video is a bit cheesy for my taste, but I can't hate on 'em for trying for a little originality. Right? The song's still sweet.

It Makes Me Laugh

2009-07-17T13:20:00.001-04:00

Shit, That's Spot On

2009-07-16T16:07:00.001-04:00

July 16, 2009

Cancer (6/22-7/22)

Turn 'I wish' into 'I will' and 'I can't' into 'I can.' Don't you think it's about time you started taking yourself seriously? So stop telling yourself that your plans, hopes and desires are silly. Don't dismiss what your soul is trying to tell you. Listen to your secret wishes and see where they lead you. The stars are telling you that now is the time. Who knows? You might be about to start one heck of an incredible journey.

billy mays gangsta remix

2009-07-02T00:03:00.002-04:00

Oh, Billy. Not you too! :(

Tanghi Argentini

2009-06-19T19:54:00.002-04:00

Some of the subtitles go by a bit quick, but this is definitely worth watching.

Cleaning Out the Closet

2009-06-07T21:16:00.002-04:00

I believe it's time to clean out the closet. And I'm saying that literally--not metaphorically; though, I suppose there could be some figurativeness to it. Maybe.

My place is just a bit cluttered and the surface areas would be easily enough cleaned off, but I think the closets need it too, so I suppose I'll have to get on that soon.

It's back to the job market for me. Allow me a sarcastic and cynical "Whoo." I'm just not super looking forward to hitting a 9-5 at someplace I hate. I'm hoping that I'll find a better position even in this economy. Wish me luck. I don't say "better" as if I'm looking for a place that pays more or anything, but a place where I'd enjoy what I do. Or at least tolerate it and not feel miserable going to work everyday.

I think I'll give it a week or two of just filling out applications and sending in resumes and that kind of a thing before resorting to hitting up connections, but I'm fairly sure that what it's going to come down to is connections. I did apply for this one job that would've been grand except that I couldn't have lived on what they were paying. It makes me sad.

Anyway, I have an eye appointment tomorrow and, hopefully, I'll be able to get contacts before my health insurance is up. That would be fantastic. It's not that I hate my glasses or anything, I just get bored of them I guess. I get bored of contacts too; that's why I switch from one to the other quite a bit.

I'm starting to think that I should use this space as a more classy writing zone. You know, someplace to practice my craft rather than merely conversationally discuss what's going on and how I'm going to work things out. Hmm, we'll see. How's about that? :|

I need to get out of the house. Yep.

The ting tings - That's not my name

2009-06-06T13:29:00.002-04:00

Why not? Really?

Brett Dennen - Make You Crazy [ Music Video + Lyrics + Download ]

2009-05-16T16:44:00.002-04:00

Lord as my Shepherd, I Shall Not Want

2009-05-03T21:42:00.006-04:00

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Grief comes in many forms. It comes not only in the separation of spirit from body, but also in watching one's dreams seem to fray, tether, and snap away.

I got my last rejection yesterday. I'll reapply in the fall. I'm disappointed and heart broken, but I am a writer and I will write no matter what job du jour pays the bills.

Here's my current plan: there are two programs I'm interested in with Americorps, I'll apply to those and if I don't get in, then I'll get a job around town. I thought that I could search for a job that I would truly enjoy country-wide, but, to be frank, there's someone that I'd like to stay in town for. No real reason to, I suppose, but I just have a feeling that they might need me.

In any event, I would be perfectly happy with a part-time job that could get me by for a little while. Most everyone else seems to be merely getting by as well, so I could certainly do it for a time. If it turns into more than a year, though, then it'll be a change of plans.

I'm trying to be open to destiny--to what is meant to be. I want to it to be well with my soul.

The Little Dragonfly

2009-04-28T00:09:00.005-04:00

has trouble going to bed.

Kukumi

2009-04-25T22:34:00.001-04:00

I wish I understood what exactly was going on in this video, but the cinematography is enough to keep me around.

Kukumi - Part 1
Uploaded by videoshqip

Every true poet is a monster.

2009-04-19T20:10:00.007-04:00

I made a new wallpaper. Unfortunately, there are quite a few things that I did wrong with this one, but it was a valuable learning experience for sure.

What I really wanted to do was to make one using a part of Tomaž Šalamun's poem, Folk Song, in his original Slovenian and then one in English; however, Photoshop doesn't seem to want to accept the keyboard viewer's data whenever I enter something that has a special character--accents for instance.

Here's a screenshot of the English version, though:

And in case you're wondering, here's the original Slovenian:

Vsak pravi pesnik je pošast.

Anyway, most apparently, the photo is just too small to look good on the majority of desktops made within the last 4 years. The placement could be better too.

I think the greatest lesson may be that I'm not naturally adept to grungy kinds of photos. Sleek, I can do--things that are clean and precise, but when you're trying to logically think about how to make something look a bit worn, well, it's more challenging than one would think.

Sunny and 71

2009-04-17T15:08:00.002-04:00

I tried to write outside today and while the sun felt amazing, I only wrote a few lines and stared out into space. Truth is, I think I need to get into more of a routine with my writing. I've been rather preoccupied with other things lately, but yesterday I sent out quite a few moments to magazines.

You know that whole, you can't reject me, I reject you thing? Yeah, I think that's what's going on. I don't like to be told that I can't do something and with all these graduate application rejections coming in, I'm sending things out with the I'll show you mentality.

It doesn't particularly prompt me to write more though. Well, maybe a bit, but it's not a huge catalyst. Anyway, the point being that I should probably find a nice place to sit down and get stuff on paper.

The App Process

2009-04-10T13:48:00.006-04:00

I know, I know. It's been awhile and I get that. I get that I'm neglecting you and I must apologize for it. Truly.

Things in my life, eh? Well, I've been rejected from 7 graduate programs and I'm still waiting on the other 4 to let me know. Let me tell you that this has been a test of faith and I'm trying to be totally zen about this entire thing, but I can't help to feel those pains of desperation. As if it will never happen for me.

On the one hand, rejection is good for me. I can be rather contrary and ornery. You tell me I can't do something and I'll say watch me. Generally speaking, but I do have a limit too. All I need is one acceptance, just one. One day I got a rejection from my top choice and I turned around and mailed some writing to a journal. Another day, I got a rejection from somewhere else and I cried. It truly is a day by day thing, I guess.

I'm feeling good today, though. I got rejected from North Carolina yesterday and I got rejected from Virginia today. Yesterday, I cried. Today, I think I'll just get back to work.

In this process, I don't think I ever really thought that I wouldn't make it in some place. I always knew that I would get rejected from some places, but I guess I never thought I wouldn't make it in anywhere. Well, I have yet to hear from those other four schools yet. It might turn out well. It might not. I don't quite know what I'll do with myself if I don't get in. The job market is shit right now and I don't really want a 9-5 corporate/office thing. I did that. I hated it.

So, I guess that's the down-low. Hey, at least I didn't go all emo on you. Just a little confusion and uncertainty, but I'm being zen about it. Zeeeeeennnn. Que Sera, Sera.

Plus, it's Good Friday. I'm gonna make it a good Friday. ;)

It is raining today, but yesterday was a beauty. Take a look:

We Are Scientists - After Hours Official Video

2009-03-28T15:47:00.002-04:00

So, I'm a bit busy right now (ironically enough), but I'll give you a bit of We Are Scientists to hold you over until I can come back and write a proper post.

Billy Miles

2009-03-08T19:27:00.003-04:00

Have I mentioned Billy Miles? Love her! Fantastic music--very groovy and hip. It's kind of a mix between Eartha Kit and Common.

Powered by iSOUND.COM

She also has a myspace page with what I think are better tracks.

Frou Frou- Breathe In

2009-02-28T15:23:00.002-05:00

The 10th Kingdom episode 1 part 1

2009-02-23T18:51:00.002-05:00

Still, so long later, I love this series.

At Last!

2009-02-20T20:43:00.004-05:00

I got a hair cut today! Now, it's all light and soft and lovely. It's simple yet styled--much like myself. Ha.

Okay, I'm just feeling good about it since I've been putting it off for so long. It's about medium length with long layers and framing in the face. The last time my hair was this length, I had short layers, and since it curls up when it's short, I got a very distinct Shirley Temple look. I'm wondering if the longer layers will prevent that from happening. I'll have to see.

I didn't mind the curl, though. It did look pretty nice at times. Anyway, cue music . . .

At Last - Etta James

Just In Time for Valentine's Day. . .

2009-02-13T22:12:00.004-05:00

I've taken a stab at typography and made a wallpaper emblazoning one of my favorite lines from a Cate Marvin poem. I've discussed it in a previous post.

Anyway, I made it far too big, really, but I think it still looks fairly nifty. Take a look:

It looks better in high quality, but this is highly compressed for quick loading. :D

ADELE - Make You Feel My Love

2009-02-09T16:56:00.002-05:00

Oh, Crap

2009-02-09T00:13:00.001-05:00

When someone takes a hiatus from the project you're working on and tells you, specifically, to make her proud, the pressure is almost suffocating.

Skipping the Party Tonight

2009-01-31T23:16:00.003-05:00

I'm trying to figure out whether I'm being rational or irrational. The Former Boyfriend has a new girlfriend. On the one hand, I'm happy for my friend--I'm happy that he might find someone that truly compliments him, but I have to admit to this twinge whenever I hear him talk about her. A twinge that keeps me from jumping up for joy.

I guess I'm afraid that he's just trying not to be alone rather than finding that person who does truly compliment him. Some people do need that and it's not my position to judge. I don't want to be the bitter ex-girlfriend either, so I'm trying to figure out if I'm being rational.

I haven't met his new girlfriend, so it's not like I'm creating this hypothesis based on a complete picture. I guess, it's just that he dated her for a bit after he and I broke up. In December, he brought me Christmas presents, but started dating her again after that.

I would attribute the Christmas gifts to him just being a friend, but one of the gifts was kinda reflective and relevant to something that was important to our relationship. So, was he just not able to make up his mind or what?

I don't want to be with him. But I want my friend. If he was telling me about her and getting me things at the same time, then is he just trying to make me jealous or play with my emotions? Because if that's the case, then isn't he really just trying to hurt me? I don't need my friends to hurt me. Those aren't the actions of a friend.

When we were together, he had a Halloween party and he wanted his ex to come to that party in order to "get past things"--to "get over things and move on." That's all well and good and I did support his need to move on at the time, but later, after he had stood in the kitchen and talked with his ex, his justification for feeling like he could move on was that he was in a better place. He had the better job with the better apartment with the better car with the better significant other.

He wanted to win. He wanted to prove that he was better than her and now he's inviting me to a party where I don't doubt his new girlfriend will be. If he's trying to win with me, then that is not being my friend. That is being bitter and vindictive and hurtful.

Sigh.

Maybe I'm just over-analyzing this. Maybe I'm just seeing things that aren't really there. Maybe the competitor in me just doesn't want to risk losing.

I've always thought of him as being the sweetest, kindest guy out there, but I knew that we never fit the way you need to in order to have a long term relationship. (It was like a round peg in a square hole--you can shove it through, but that doesn't mean it fits.)

No matter how kind or sweet or generous he was, I was never truly myself with him. I couldn't be vulnerable with him and that does say something. It says that I didn't really feel safe. I never trusted him like you need to in order to make a relationship last. And, I guess I still don't trust him, but, honestly, if these post-break up issues are any indication of what I would've face in a relationship with him, then I'm pretty satisfied with our decision to break up.

Camille Saint Saens

2009-01-26T23:01:00.001-05:00

"Without music, life would be a mistake.'
-Friedrich Nietzsche

The Sweetest Words of Today

2009-01-20T13:47:00.000-05:00

"Former President George W. Bush"

Keith Urban - Sweet Thing

2009-01-19T15:32:00.002-05:00

Winnie The Pooh (Sing Along Songs)

2009-01-14T12:38:00.002-05:00

I still have the VHS of this.

All My Balloons - Children 18:3

2009-01-05T03:41:00.002-05:00

Even though this band's presentation is a little too "hey look at how undead we can be" for my tastes, the song is still pretty cool. Catchy, fairly rockin', and sincere. I can support that. It's one of those sing-along affairs for me. And I do sing along.

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

2009-01-02T00:23:00.003-05:00

Ah, the first post of 2009. How exciting. I spent New Years Eve at a friend's party, which turned out to be a much needed night of fun and mostly silliness. I almost forgot how rewarding standing around talking to your friends can be.

I haven't quite gotten back to finishing the rest of my cleaning, but I will here soon. I think for tomorrow, I'll vacuum, but I also wanted to finish that last application. I don't have a whole lot to finish for either--the personal statement for the application and some clutter for the cleaning. I could get them both done.

I've started running again. I always feel better when I do, but somehow I get lazy and just get out of the habit. It's all about momentum, motivation, habit. Basically, I'm trying to get my healthy habits back.

My headphones (and I mean headphones--I have earbuds, but my ears are so lacking in firm cartiledge that they fall out crazy easily) gave out a little while ago. It makes me sad. I'm currently using some old headphones that the padding wore out, so it gets a little painful for any real duration of time. I'll have to buy some new ones at some point, I suppose. I'm thinking that I might try the ones with the earbud-like headphones--the ones that wrap around your ears. Food for thought.

Hmm, seems like I'm forgetting something. Oh, yes. Right, right. Happy New Years!

Stop It

2008-12-31T16:33:00.003-05:00

I've begun what I'm calling the "Stop It" phase. Derived from Bob Newhart . . .

That is, I've started getting things in order and stopped wallowing. It's started with my room. I only have one more application to finish, but during this process my room went into a state of disarray. So to speak. And I tend to believe that your physical presentation of your living space is a manifestation of your mental state. So, I've begun to clean things up and throw some things out. Starting in the literal and allowing it to apply to the metaphoric in time. I suppose it's mostly a symbolic gesture, but I think it's important to stop wallowing, get up and start living again.

It may be a process. Things are totally in order and I do have that last application to finish, but I think I'm on my way.

Soon though, I think I'll have some apologies to make to people and a severely bad attitude to make up for.

Sarah Lindsay

2008-12-27T01:25:00.004-05:00

Sarah Lindsay may be a rising favorite on my list of poets. She can be complex and dense (or at least what I've read from Mount Clutter), but it's cool. It's intriguing and I like the challenge. I like to be challenged.

I heard recently that Twigs and Knucklebones is a keeper, but my local library doesn't have it, so I might actually break down and buy it.

The thought of buying anything right now, though, is less than appealing. Hmm. Oh, well. Who knows?

I Wish

2008-12-22T05:00:00.000-05:00

December 21, 2008

You can depend on the people who are offering to help you out right now, so throw all your doubt out the window. They are even more impatient than you are about making progress, so let yourself lean on them more than you normally would. They are more than happy to cheerlead. They want to keep you feeling positive, so let them! They are able to show you that there is a light at the end of this tunnel -- you just need to keep walking towards it.

Griffin House - Better Than Love

2008-12-21T02:44:00.001-05:00

I die over this song. I love it.

Griffin House -- "Waterfall"

2008-12-21T02:29:00.001-05:00

And equally as depressing, but still beautiful.

It was the Spring of Hope, It was the Winter of Despair

2008-12-21T00:34:00.006-05:00

Day after day, it's the same old street, in the same old bed, with the same old view. Same old shirt. (Which that song is available for download at Paul Mulvey's site.)

Sigh.

I'm seriously starting to question whether taking this year off was a good idea or not. Considering that I'm one of those people who can't seem to sit still for more than an hour and the longest a vacation ever lasts in terms of actual time relaxing is two days, this whole "let's take a year off and see what comes of it" thing is making me go a little crazy.

I took that job with the bank and hated it. Well, at least it was a learning experience.

But after these applications are over with, which should be extremely soon, I won't know what to do with myself.

And worse off, this friend and I got into this whole huge thing. It wasn't a fight, but I seem to be making everyone around me feel like shit. Double Sigh.

I'm tearing up for no apparent reason. Today, it was at "Elf." Seriously, Elf. (Though did you know that Zooey Deschanel who's in that movie and was also in Tin Man and the upcoming Yes Man is the little sister of Bones star Emily Deschanel.)

Anyway, there's really no reason I should be doing this. Things will work out how they'll work out and I should just shut my mouth and go on with living. I guess. The phrase "Why would you wait and be late for your life" just keeps on coming to mind, though.

Late For Your Life - Mary Chapin Carpenter

I mean isn't this exactly what I've been avoiding all my life? I want to live every moment like it matters. I work hard, I play hard. I try to carry lightness and fun and silliness with me wherever I go, because no one else ever does. It makes me feel like I'm appreciating the life that I have rather than cursing the position that I'm in. And I'm cursing right now. I don't want to do that. I don't want to sulk in my room with dead roses in the vase (there really are. I should throw them out or make potpourri). I don't want to make everyone else upset. I just want to figure out what the hell I'm going to do. I don't want to be late for my life.

So, it begs the question. What exactly am I supposed to be doing while I wait to find out what the next year will be? At this point, I'll gladly work at Starbucks. Gladly. But I'm thinking that I'll see if any bookstores, libraries, or local publishing companies want anybody on a more temporary basis. Internships. I'm already suffering with no money, I can do it a little longer.

I just--I'm just--

I'm the kind of person who likes not only a plan, but to be working on that plan. Without a plan, I feel lost. I feel pointless.

I know, I know. God always takes care of me. It's true. The universe has never steered me wrong. I'm just impatient, frustrated, complicated. I do complicate things. Always. Sometimes, I wish I were simpler. Sometimes, I wish I didn't think so much, feel so much, argue so much. You know, sometimes those people who are perfectly happy with their 9-5 jobs seem so green.

I don't want to change. I don't. For the most part, I like who I am. It's just that right now, who I am doesn't like where I'm at. Make sense?

Now, what do I do to fix that?

I See it in Your Eyes

2008-12-10T14:17:00.002-05:00

The personal statements seem to be weighing me down. It's more a matter of sitting down and doing it, so my plan is to go to a cafe later in order to work on them, but considering how much of a procrastinator I am, it'll be somewhat of a challenge to make me go do it.

I need to go take a shower.

I need to get my hair cut.

Wit has been on my mind lately. I highly recommend it, but it will make you cry. Fair warning.

I'm having a good butt day.

2008-12-04T18:36:00.002-05:00

Does that sound odd?

Lennox, TI, and The Carpenters.

2008-11-22T23:43:00.001-05:00

I don't know what I've been watching that YouTube would recommend this combination.

From What I'm Currently Reading. . .

2008-11-13T18:32:00.002-05:00

"All love should be loud enough to scare off the neighbors."

~Cate Marvin, "Poem That Wears Your Scarf," Fragment of the Head of a Queen

Veterans Day.

2008-11-11T13:57:00.000-05:00

Daddy was a soldier.
Pap Paw too.

After the GRE Take 2

2008-11-10T20:44:00.001-05:00

Meh.

Oh well.

Before the GRE Take 2

2008-11-10T08:59:00.001-05:00

Breath in. Breath out.

I'm fairly awake and alert. I can think.

I'm gonna show this exam what I'm really capable of.

How to Break Your Own Heart

2008-11-07T02:35:00.004-05:00

The boy and I have broken up. Well, he doesn't like that phrase--"broken up." He wants to think of it as going our separate ways and that I won't be his "ex-girlfriend" but a "former" girlfriend.

Actually, I'm okay with that. I still like him. He still likes me. But I can't seem to be willing to fall for him only to get hurt later when I go off to a grad school or another city. He doesn't want to get into something that has no real longevity either.

And now I'm awake at 2/3 in the morning mourning the potential of a real, serious relationship. I could've loved this man. He is a good man who treats me well. He was and is still my friend. So much, in fact, that I'm supposed to call him Monday after my GRE to tell him how I did.

There's a part of me that feels completely heartless. Like I'm being completely controlled by what is logical and practical and not taking actual feelings into consideration. I'm trying to, though. That's the thing. I don't know how I'd be able to go ahead and invest real feelings into this relationship only to end up ending it.

I don't know for sure. I don't know that I'll get into any of the grad schools that I apply to. I don't know for sure if I'll stay in town or not, but, right now, I'm leaning toward not. It's just that I need to build a life for myself--a job, an apartment, a place that feels like mine. I've always felt like I'm supposed to expand beyond this town. I mean, it's a nice enough city, but I feel like I need something else. I need something that's just mine.

He, he didn't want our relationship to be a factor in my decision of a school, but I know myself well enough to know that he would automatically factor into my decision. That's what he really, really doesn't want.

I don't know if this was a good decision. If we had given it another month, then we'd both be in for a great deal of hurt, but it hurts now too. It hurts more than I expected it to. I'm not in love with him and he's not in love with me, but I do like him and walking away from the potential that's there is much more difficult than I realized. It's more painful than I thought it would be too. There was a definite temptation to turn the car around and go back to say, "Fuck it. Who cares about the future? I like you now."

I don't know. I don't know. Maybe we're doing the right thing.

Congratulations, Mr. President!

2008-11-04T23:20:00.003-05:00

One Heart

Look at the birds. Even flying
is born

out of nothing. The first sky
is inside you, open

at either end of day.
The work of wings

was always freedom, fastening
one heart to every falling thing.

~Li-Young Lee

Election Results on Ice

2008-11-04T21:03:00.001-05:00

Seriously, I ask you. What's with painting an ice rink? Is it really that exciting?

In The Midst of Grad School Applications

2008-10-28T02:32:00.003-04:00

Mind. Doesn't. Work.

Too. Many. Envelopes.

At least I get crazy organized when I do this kind of thing:

And these stacks are only for recommenders. Could you imagine how large all the other materials would be if so much wasn't done online?

I ran out of post-it notes, though. And I need stamps. Those envelopes have to go places.

Tina and Sarah

2008-10-19T18:27:00.003-04:00

Now, I'm no Palin fan by any means. But, kudos to SNL for actually having her on, still being able to make fun of her, and having it be hilarious. Plus, I am a Tina Fey fan. So, this has given her some serious material.

Story Time . . .

2008-10-13T00:17:00.005-04:00

Once upon a time, there was a girl (*cough cough* -- me), who was battling the evil empire Standardized Testing. It was her duty to fight and conquer the over-rated (and frankly just annoying) Count GRE.

Cue thunder and lightning.

The girl plots and toils. She has fought the Count before and slunk away scathed, shattered -- only to return once again. Armed with vocab flash cards, she prepares for her defining moment. For her eventual victory over the Reigning Count GRE. With words like "Abstemious" and "Antipathy" (sorry, I'm still on "a"), she will crush Count GRE and his Jeopardy like qualities.

But it is not merely Word Girl like vocabulary that will quelch the dastardly Count GRE, but confidence. (I'm so tempted to say that I need to have confidence in confidence right now.) Hyperventilating and feeling as though you might vomit in the middle of the enchanted test center will not be a reoccurrence. No. This girl knows her stuff and she will not be denied what rightfully belongs to her.

Yeah, yeah. So, I rescheduled to take the GRE again in about a month. I think the studying might be going to my head. Stayed tuned, eh?

So I'm a Little Off Right Now

2008-10-09T19:46:00.004-04:00

Ahhhh! Yes, so I've neglected my blog a bit. I understand. Bad Blogger. Bad, bad Blogger.

But here's the scoop.

Harlot has launched. Yay!! Go visit and comment and read and all that loveliness.

I'm working on MFA applications and just saw a professor today who gave me more places to consider. I like having options.

The GRE sucked. And I mean majorly sucked, so I'm gonna take it again. For the next month, you will be able to find vocab cards in my back pocket and if you happen to find me without them, please fault me on it.

I know am completely jobless. It's weird. I went from having two jobs at once to no job at all. Hmm. I should have more time to study, though, and it's a hell of a lot better than working a job I hate.

Ah, yes. The boy and I are official now. We can now call him the boyfriend. I'm still adjusting to that.

Oh, by the by. That friend I talked about before--we talked through everything and we're totally PC. It's all chill. She even called me spontaneously the other day, which I can't ever remember her doing before, so it made me pretty happy.

Uh, I can't think of much else at the moment, but I'll try to be a better blogger. Hey, I've managed to last, what?, coming up on four years. I won't be stopping anytime soon.

Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin

2008-09-21T16:33:00.002-04:00

Not to be a total music junkie, but I feel the need to pass on this band. Uh, Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, that is. Otherwise known as SSLYBY. Sure, it's a mouthful -- even in acronym -- but totally worth the listen.

You can find some free downloads at The World Forgot.

But if you need something a bit more immediate, check out this YouTube video of their song "Modern Mystery:"

It's Not That I'm Trying to be Emo, But It's Just Too Easy

2008-09-19T23:42:00.004-04:00

I've been listening to a lot of Aqualung lately. This isn't good.

Typically, I listen to sad music to make me feel better. I don't know why, but it works for me. It's like I take in all the anger, pain, and sadness that I'm feeling at that time and funnel it into that sad song. I let it sit on my skin and breath through the emotion. (This is sounding very emo, isn't it?)

But Aqualung has the tendency to make me more depressed. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe he's just too sad, but he does have some cheerier songs. And yet I listen. Sometimes, I think I like to be sad.

This is the part where you ask what it is that I'm feeling angry or sad about.

I've been working with a particular friend for quite some time in multiple capacities and something she said hurt my feelings. It seems a little trite right now, I guess, because what she said is not the most atrocious thing in the world, but it's everything surrounding it that makes it difficult to swallow.

I don't want to get into specifics, but generally it felt like she was questioning my work, and the capacity that she did this in she had done before, so it makes me feel like anything I do will never be good enough. That I'll never be good enough and that I haven't earned her trust. I'm surprised by her. I'm hurt. I'm not sure how to talk to her about it right now, because her mind is so scattered and totally focused on other things right now.

I know a part of my hesitancy is totally me. I don't trust people very well and I have an even harder time being vulnerable with people, but I've trusted this friend. I've cried in front of this friend. That means something. Going to her and telling her how her comment and actions made me feel means being vulnerable again and it's hard to be vulnerable with someone who just hurt you. My immediate reaction has always been to push them away, but I don't want to lose her friendship.

On a purely cerebral level, I understand the necessity to actually do it. I understand how important it is to work out any issues--emotional scrapes, bruises, stitches, etc--that one might have in order to be cool with that person again. If you bottle things up, then you end up resenting that person and you can never really get to that same place again. I've learned that lesson before. And the thing is that this is someone that I typically can go to and bring up issues like this. Right now, though, she's totally not herself. And, frankly, right now I'm both scared for her and of her. It scares me that someone who I thought would never intentionally hurt me would say something like that to me.

Here's the other thing though. It would be completely reasonable to think that I might be blowing this out of proportion if what she said was meant in a different context. I did take it in a negative context though, which means that I should talk to her. I still got hurt and if she didn't mean to hurt me, then I should know that. And if she did, then we have issues to talk about.

I just don't want to be another distraction for her right now either. I don't want her to get defensive and I don't want to cause more trouble, but it wouldn't be right to carry this around and resent her for something that she may not know bothers me.

It's complicated. And simple. And hard. And I just want everybody to be happy. Why won't people just let me be happy?

If you're wondering what Aqualung songs in particular have been on repeat. Here's the main one:

Breaking My Heart Again - Aqualung

Complaints on a Saturday

2008-09-06T14:53:00.003-04:00

There's nothing quite like waking up and finding 10 new emails all from the same people and project in your inbox. It wouldn't be such a bother, but I had to cancel plans with a friend so that I could get these things done, so that I'd be able to go out tonight.

And in the past few days, I've probably studied for the GRE a total of 10 minutes.

I don't like being home alone all day. It's okay for a week, but then two weeks go by and I'm out of my head. I never realized just how much I need to be around other people. Like in person. Not through email or phone or skype. Come Monday, I'll have to go to a cafe or library or some public place to work. I don't want to sit at home anymore.

Realization #2:
I need variety. My days are filled up with three things--GRE studying, working on a certain journal, and taking care of the dogs. I haven't been writing too much. Maybe once a week. I need to balance things more and vary things more.

I really am ready to just run off for the weekend. I need something new. Something different. I thought that taking a year off would be good. I thought I'd get my priorities straight and, well, I've done that. Now what do I do for the rest of the time?

Ugh. I need to get out of the house.

What They Call "An Evolution of the Human Condition"

2008-08-24T17:01:00.006-04:00

Tomorrow, I will not be getting up early and going to work. I will not need to think about the bank and I will not be trying to just make it through the day. And that makes me happy.

You know, I thought that I would be so extremely stressed about not having a job, but I'm okay. Now, I am still me. Very much so. So, of course, I am still somewhat worried about it, but I'm happy that I won't be doing a job that I hate on Monday. I'm happy to have time to focus on my real goals -- on the things that I really want to accomplish.

I think that I've made the right decision, but to be honest, there's still that part of me that holds on -- that thinks and rethinks and rethinks again that maybe I've done something wrong. I've made the right decision. I have. And I just have to continue telling myself that.

I worry far too much.

Oh, and there may be a development on the boy front. He called me "perfection."
I'm not used to liking that.
As untrue as it is, I still like that he'd say it. And this is the point where I'm trying to convince myself not to run away. Not to get scared and hide, but to go for it. What have I got to lose, really?